3 Tips for Keeping Your Teenage Son Engaged this Spring Season
Over the last three weeks leading up to Spring break, I’ve chatted with multiple parents about their high schoolers and middle school sons getting into fights, being suspended, acting up in class and at home, and feeling internally emotionally and mental stirred up. It’s a lot! This time of year can feel like a cooker for teens and parents alike. The desire for a break in the monotony and slog of school, class, and homework every day can create a real build-up of tension for the youth. In reflecting on this phenomenon and the conversations I’ve had with several parents on this topic, I thought I’d offer a few tips about how to keep your son engaged, focused, and feeling free in the arrival of Spring and through these last few months of school.
1 - Physical Activity
Whether your son is involved in after-school sports, martial arts, or is somehow able to get out for a walk/hike/run/bike ride, physical activity is such an important way for teens and especially boys to release the build-up of energy that accumulates throughout the day, the week, and the seasons. Almost every parent I talk to deals at some level with the gravitational pull that technology has on their son’s attention. Encouraging (and sometimes perhaps requiring) some level of physical activity and engagement with the body to break away from that tech bubble can do so much good for the mind, emotions, and overall health. Commit to 2-3 times per week where your son has at least 30 minutes of physical activity outside of school. If rewarding him in some way for his ability to initiate and follow through on this commitment helps, that’s great. Help him help himself by having healthy outlets for all the energy, hormones, and feelings that are moving through him.
2 - Pairing his desires for freedom with responsibilities in school/at home
Another topic that’s come up in conversations with parents is finding ways to keep teens engaged with their responsibilities. This one is of course not just a seasonal issue, but it can be especially important in these last few months of school. One question that’s emerged from these conversations is: “how to begin to build the self-initiative for teens to stay on top of their school work and accomplish their responsibilities without having to be constantly reminded?” There’s no easy, one-fits-all answer that we’ve discovered yet. But, as you know, this is a huge part of the initiation into young adulthood - managing responsibilities in order to increase the level of desired freedom.
So, for both you parents’ sake and for your sons, try this out: think about the ways that your son desires freedom. What are the specific things that you know he wants to do, to be, to have at this stage of life? What are the things that arguments tend to start over? Is it more time on video games? More sleepovers or hangouts with friends? Independence to take the bus up skiing or bike over to someone’s house alone? And then, paired with that, what are the main goals and requests you have of him? Is it completing chores without being asked, doing homework without being asked, learning how to communicate kindly and clearly, more physical activity or family engagement etc.?
Set aside time and invite your son into a conversation where you can both speak to your mutual desires. Invite him to share freely. Begin building this dynamic of talking to your son as a young adult, allowing him to feel respected and part of the decision making process (within your set appropriate bounds), and be clear about your expectations. The more he’s invited in to the conversation and allowed to have a voice, the more likely he will have a buy-in to the set agreements. And that way, when conflict inevitably arises around those agreements, there will be a clear line to trace back to his words and yours. Set consequences if these mutual agreements are broken. Write it down and sign it if that’s helpful. Put it up in the kitchen or somewhere that everyone can see it.
Taking the time to have these clear conversations with more enrollment from your son can help guide him into a more responsible, self-initiating mindset, and it also takes some of the edge out for parents, who often are juggling multiple kids and parenting dynamics at once. In that situation, it’s easy to sometimes be a little too harsh with consequences, or it creates exhaustion in constantly having to renegotiate with your teen. Taking some of the emotion out of the situation can create a healthier relationship for everybody.
3 - Having Fun
Parents, kids, teens, young adults - there’s struggles at every stage of life. Amidst all the difficult work that we’re tasked with every day, this last tip and reminder is just about taking the time to have fun and enjoy each other’s company. What are the things that light you up as a family? What are the most connective activities you do with your son? When’s the last time you did that? What brings joy and laughter? It’s easy and understandable to get bogged down with the daily grind and habitual flow of life. Spring invites us into a new rhythm, a new way of being, a new opportunity to see the beauty and gift of life again. Take this opportunity and schedule in some fun time with your son the same way you would a doctor’s appointment or a sports practice. Be present with who he is, who you are, how both of you have grown so much since he came into this world. Take in the gift of the next generation. Experience what it’s like to hold the sacred responsibility of parenting. Appreciate yourself and share your appreciation with your son. Most of you are on Spring break so take advantage of that time if you can and soak in the sun and watch the buds bloom! Lead by example and encourage your son to find appreciation and gratitude for the return of light and life at this time of year.