Your Son Is Going Through A Rite of Passage, and You Are, Too
During a recent Rite of Passage follow-up call with the participants and their parents, one of the dads shared that he had found inspiration in his son’s rite of passage nature solo and decided to create something similar for himself. He went out in the desert for a few nights for his own solo time to convene with the elements of the wild and to have space for himself to think, reflect, and be.
Hearing this dad talk about the inspiration he found in witnessing his son’s experience led me to think more about the rite of passage in general, and how it really is a whole family-systems transition time. As a young person goes through their inner and outer change in the teenage years, you parents are also going through your own changes. As your sons start showing signs of adolescence — desire for more freedom, more independence, pushing back on rules, keeping things to themselves, wanting a job, having romantic interests — a lot can come up for parents, too.
In witnessing and talking with parents of teens over the last few years, it is clear to me that there is an important transition happening for parents that sometimes goes unacknowledged.
I’ve seen how different attachments styles between parents and sons can become more pronounced, there can be more tension and push and pull between wanting your son to grow up and also wanting him to stay a boy for just a little bit longer (or for a lot longer, sometimes!). There can be the practical difficulty of trying to get him to all the sports, school, and social events he wants to participate in, or the financial stress of footing all the bills for those activities. You know better than I do what the actual things are that create strain during this period.
For a healthy transition to the next phase of life, all parts and people in the system must shift, even if ever so slightly. As parents, this could mean a loosening up, letting your son make more of his own decisions (and mistakes); it could be the opposite — a tightening up with more active engagement where you are checking in more frequently and carving out intentional time to get updated on his life; it could mean changing the very nature of your language and the quality and tone of how your conversations take place with your son. It could be starting to share more about yourself and begin to form the inklings of that adult-to-adult way of relating.
One of my uncles shared something with me the other day that he’s learned as a father. He said “to have influence [on your kid], you have to have respect and consistency in your relationship. You have to be real and honest with them and walk the line between friend and parent.” I like that because it’s an invitation into growth - for both parent and son. For the son it’s like: “treat me like an adult, and I’ll act like an adult. Treat me like a child and I’ll stay a child” sort of thing. And for the parent, there is the invitation to create a consistent connection that garners trust and is not affected by temporary moodiness or stress that is not the kid’s responsibility, while also still sharing things in a real way. I believe when we are invited into a greater capacity of self and measuredly given more responsibility, most people naturally want to step into this space as some part of us recognizes the invitation to test our true capacity.
I also once heard a teacher say that when a child becomes an adolescent, parents have a new opportunity to come to terms with themselves and with their parenting and to “begin again” at this turning phase of life. A chance to change, let go of, invite in, start anew.
So, consider what this looks like for yourself as a parent. Maybe it does look like taking a weekend nature solo. Or a week-long trip. For other parents, that might not be possible. Maybe it looks like one day a week going for a hike by yourself to connect with nature and with your self. Lighting a candle and writing in a journal. Joining a men or women’s group. Meditation, ceremony, prayer. Whatever actually supports you in connecting with yourself and acknowledging and honoring the transition you are going through.
And if there are appropriate opportunities, share some of your process with your son. Allow him to see you as a person who too is still on their own journey of growth and becoming…